Belief

Friday nights have become very special to me. A little over a year ago some friends and I started an emergency shelter for homeless youth. It takes place in the basement of a church in downtown Ottawa. For the past year we have only been able to operate on Friday nights. But that will be changing soon. 

The idea for the shelter was inspired by the experiences many of us encountered while building relationships with homeless youth while doing street outreach. Now on most friday nights I would say it is hard to describe the joy this place brings me. Watching over homeless youth while they sleep under your protection is one of the most surreal experiences I can imagine. 

But tonight is different. I can describe exactly how I feel. Even as I look out and see that on this night the shelter is at 100% capacity I am not feeling all that happy. Tonight I feel frustrated, and sad, and weak. Weird right? Not as much as you might think. See tonight I had some conversations with these guys that overwhelmed me. It left me with questions.  What do you say to the 16 year old boy who you had to pick up at the hospital earlier because he was threatening to kill himself? What do you say to the young man who shows up crying with fresh wounds on his forehead from the street fight he was in because someone wanted to steal his phone? How do you comfort the kid who gets you to call his mom so he can talk to her, but she wants nothing to do with him and hangs up the phone? How do you try to reason with the youth who comes in intoxicated and a bit angry? Yeah it’s been that kind of night. More questions than answers. 

Which is is what makes this particular evening so difficult. Because when I got involved with this endeavour  I often thought it would be an opportunity to fix a problem or to provide an answer. But sometimes there just isn’t anything that feels right, other than to listen, and to hug. Nights like this are when I wonder what I’m doing. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like maybe this all wasn’t such a good idea.  Sometimes, on a night like tonight, it literally feels like doubts wash over me like crashing waves. 

But you know what, that won’t last forever. Because while I have my doubts, I also have mys beliefs. My beliefs, I am starting to understand, are more powerful than my doubts. They sustain me in times like this. Like a life vest when those waves are crashing against you. It’s ok to have doubts. We all have them. But its what we believe that will determine what we do next. 

I believe that God loves these youth. He loves them more than I ever possibly could. I believe God will teach me what to say to them that will be meaningful. I believe that God started the shelter and that he will sustain it. I believe in the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:1-6. 

Maybe that is the purpose of doubts. Maybe doubts are the seeds that grow into beliefs.